Based on “Communicating through Conflict” from Getting Married by Dr. Chao Tsuma Wanje and James Wanje

Marriage is beautiful. Instituted by God himself, the loving union of a husband and wife is one of the most powerful witnesses for the gospel.

It is also among the most difficult things two humans can do.

Maintaining healthy, God-honouring marriages requires perseverance, patience, selflessness, humility, and a great deal of hard work. To maintain unity between couples, communication and respect is essential. However, husbands and wives oftentimes find that they have difficulty expressing their feelings to each other, even after they say “I do.”

But what if you could learn to communicate well in your marriage before it even begins?

In Getting Married? Building Your Marriage Before It Begins, experienced counsellors Dr. Chao Tsuma Wanje and James Wanje provide helpful guidance on how to communicate in a healthy way, even through times of conflict.

As Chao and James wisely advise couples who are preparing to tie the knot, “Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Two very different people are joining together with many differences, so conflicts are as natural as breathing air.” However, husbands and wives “should not aim to avoid conflict, but to communicate effectively through conflict. The goal in your communication is to strengthen the bond between the two of you and close any gap that the conflict has caused.”

Left to ourselves, we tend to communicate in unhealthy ways. Some people may take the easy escape of yielding every time an issue is brought up. Some fight to win, seeking to prove they are right. Others may withdraw, pretending that the problem does not exist. However, these solutions only sweep the real issues under the rug—they do not allow couples to do the hard but constructive work of working through conflict together.

The most important thing that many couples forget is that there is no such thing as “winning” an argument with your spouse. After marriage, a husband and a wife are a single unit in God’s eyes. Anything that damages one partner damages both. By winning an argument at the expense of the other person, you have not hurt someone else, but your own flesh. The only way to “win” an argument is to work through issues together, confronting them as a team.

Fortunately, the Bible provides helpful guidance on how to communicate well. Ephesians 4:29 advises us to “Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Proverbs 18:13 tells us that “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” All communication should be humble, uplifting, and loving.

So how can couples practice this sort of healthy communication? When conflict arises, it is important to make sure both parties discuss the issue respectfully and kindly. Resolving not to use unnecessary generalizations will help prevent unhelpful exaggerations. To avoid throwing blame or defending themselves, husbands and wives should focus on attacking the problem, not each other. Non-verbal communication—such as eye contact and body language—can be a powerful tool to show attentiveness to what the other person is saying. The most important thing to remember is that the ultimate goal is reconciliation and deeper unity.

After conflict has been resolved, couples have a unique chance to create this sort of unity. Chao and James point out that “If either person did or said something hurtful, it is important to apologize and forgive.” Praying together allows God to bring about the mutual unity that spouses are incapable of on their own. Finally, rebuilding trust is an essential step. For long-term unity, it is important to be true to your word and follow your commitments.

As Chao and James put it, “In the end, no relationship outside of an intimacy with God is deeper and more meaningful than the marriage relationship.” This means that there are few better uses of your time than learning to communicate well with your future spouse.

For those who are getting married, know that you will not be able to avoid conflict in your marriage. But by taking the time and effort to foster patience, humility, and selflessness, you can learn to communicate through conflict long before you walk down the aisle. As you lay the foundation for your future marriage, you are working to create a healthy, God-honouring relationship that will last the rest of your lives.

How do we communicate in marriage? This blog will give you great insights and guidance on how to communicate in a healthy way, even through times of conflict.

Get your copy of Getting Married? Building Your Marriage Before It Begins on Amazon or from Oasis International Distribution partners in Africa.

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